I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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