You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Floor bacon is actually really good
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
