I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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