You can't special order awesome
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
