There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
