Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
3pm strippers are depressing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
