i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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