And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
