I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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