No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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