3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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