Ambien. No doubt about it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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