dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
