Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
