I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
