yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
