I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
