Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize