Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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