You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
