Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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