OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
