Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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