And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
