a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize