I think I won the penis lottery.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I love you.
Bad choice
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
