How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
