It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
BRING THE BAGELS
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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