Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He shit in the fireplace
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
