somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
BRING THE BAGELS
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
