I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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