I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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