I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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