I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
