We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
