I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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