Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize