ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
