I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
