I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
