so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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