alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
