do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
