My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
