I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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