What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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