The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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