I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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