I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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