Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
