Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize