It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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