so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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