Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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