if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
