im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
