why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
