haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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