Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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