We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize