if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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