so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
