i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
