If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
