This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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