When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
