Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
