I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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